'Mind over Matter'...and then I fell ill again...and again...and again.

Ulcerative colitis diagnosis.

In January 2017 I was diagnosed with ‘Severe Ulcerative colitis’. I had been bleeding all of December 2016 and had spent Christmas in pain. I had never heard of colitis but knew something of Crohn's disease. I was in horrific pain, continuously on the toilet, huge blood loss, unable to eat much and only sleeping 20min at a time at night before needing the toilet. My weight had plummeted. I was actually concerned I had damaged my colon as I had recently had colonic irrigation on a retreat in Thailand. It’s a powerful process and a cleansing consisting of juicing, yoga and health. It was something I had really got involved in 4 years before falling ill. There was a lot of interest from many at that time, as it became a strong want to get healthy in our world. I had changed jobs, found yoga and was now teaching it in the Surrey areas. I was the healthiest and happiest I had been in years but now suddenly 'colitis' struck. That in itself made no sense to me.

Over a period of three years I was hospitalised four times for two weeks at a time. I was put on steroids the highest dose and my gastroenterologist had spoken to me about removing the whole colon and giving me a stoma bag. [I had mentioned my colonic irrigation retreat but I was told this was not an issue.]

I had been briefed for the operation, along with meeting the surgeon. My gastroenterologist never pushed me into any option, but told me of them. He always listened and let me decide what I wanted to do. After all, I had gone to him in desperate pain and he was offering all and everything he knew of, to help me. I had tried all the oral drugs available and foam sprays. I went to meetups on the disease. Got another private opinion and researched like crazy. I was also offered two types of infusions to try if I wanted. Infliximab and vedolizumab. I did try both these, one after the other but felt much worse on them, with horrific side effects. Nausia, hair loss, weight gain and itchy skin were just some. My bleeding just didn't stop and the pain was unbearable. I had myself tried various holistic medicines that were recommended online but found it was getting rather expensive and disheartening. I tried 'symprove' a probiotic that was hugely expensive. My bleed stopped for one week, then started again. Nothing was working for me and my concerns were my colon should actually be removed. A life changing situation and one that upset me. Yet when that pain hits, all you want is your colon out.

Something in me kept saying, I don't have a disease as such. I don’t have a mouldy colon ridden with, say cancer or something that needs cutting out. What I have is a colon that for some reason is reacting to something going on within me, it’s misfiring. I knew the mind had a huge aspect to do with the body functioning and the gut being the second brain. I was now trained in yoga and understood so much more about the homo sapien. Was it this sudden change in my lifestyle? Was it my diet that was causing this bleeding? I had tried different foods and diets, along with allergy testing during my illness like the 'fodmap' diet. I had noticed that some foods would make me feel worse if I was already triggered. Eating chilli on an inflamed colon isn't wise for instance. There were times when I reacted to everything even water. sometimes i could eat various foods, but a week or so later those foods would trigger my tummy. It got so exhausting. I realised later down this road, that when the colon is at different levels of healing some foods are tolerated better at different stages.

I had learned a lot about Yoga and it had already had a powerful effect on me in my life ten years earlier. Bringing me more peace and stillness and calm after a difficult few years. I had really immersed myself in yoga and developed my consciousness, yet looking back and in hindsight I think I suppressed all the issues that arose in my practise. Instead of being released they just went back into my second brain, the colon. Instead of dealing with those issues fully and releasing them through therapy. We know that our minds are hugely powerful and the deepness of this is known in Eastern philosophy and now here in the West we are realising the deepness and importance of stilling the mind to help with health.

I noticed that when my colon was in a flared state, past issues, sadness, regrets, worries would arise in my mind. When my colon was healing or behaving, my mind would be calm, happy, peaceful and all those past thoughts of my life choices were not an issue at all. I felt that I had put that era of my life to rest and dealt with it, releasing from that attachment. Yet i would sway mentally in and out of these thoughts depending on my colon health, which was exhausting too.

Yoga is a hugely powerful process that needs to not only be taught properly, understood and practised in the correct way but the practitioner needs to give themselves time to deal with and release the issues that arise and do arise in the mind. That is the whole point of yoga. If you are looking for peace of mind, health and happiness, changes need to happen. It’s a process of development and mindset change, release. The different Asanas [postures] and various techniques not only detox and align the body back to correct balance and structure but the Asana squeeze the internal organs and flush through the toxins, getting fresh blood and oxygen around the system. The path of yoga and various lineages open the consciousness to find health and peace but you have to go through a process to actually heal and develop by dealing with whatever arises and all practitioners will have a different experience, it can be a hard journey. When those issues arise in the mind, they then need to be dealt with and not suppressed again or ignored. Or that energy just goes back into the body, affecting the muscle tension and organs and causes illness. So you may need therapy, counselling, meet the person or people you have hurt with or find your own way to release and move on. It’s the hurt and pain, fear and moulding of our life experiences that actually cause illness and disease in the body. This is a known fact in Vedic literature. Yogic philosophy. It is said that 90% of what goes on in the mind, can cause illness or disease in the body. My mind was causing my illness to some degree and my gut was causing sadness in my mind.

Look at it like this. Think of eating a lemon, does your mouth water with the thought? Was it seconds before the reaction of saliva? If so, imagine the power of the mind, what thought you have conscious or subconscious affects your body, your body reacts and in whatever way it reacts can either heal it, function in the necessary way or damage it. Look at how smells like lavender affect the mind. Hence why you should be careful of what you surround yourself with in life. Social media, TV, music, where you live, the people etc. Our world externally can then internally govern us. Not only was I going through life issues, midlife issues and needing to process them, I was also dealing with a damaged gut which was affecting my mind too.

Yoga has been booming in the western world and many are realising it’s huge power. I came across cancer patients in India, while training to teach yoga, that had healed and others with various other illnesses who had healed or managed their conditions. There were many Europeans and Americans there. It seemed that the Westerners were wanting Eastern medicines and knowledge and the Eastern people wanted Western lifestyles. I thought it sad that the Eastern mentality was so desperate for Western life, when what they know in their culture was and is priceless for health and survival in this world today.

Yoga's power and healing lies in the fact we are dealing with releasing and changing our thoughts, being aware of feelings, karma, hurt, pain, suffering, fear in our life. Early childhood issues, abuse, loneliness, you name it. knowledge is passed down in DNA, so if there is pain there from passed ancestors, it’s another place where healing needs to happen. The conscious mind,body,soul and spirit along with your DNA all hold knowledge that could be affecting the homo sapien with illness. Once you understand the bigger picture of man and planet and all the aspects available for health it really helps you on that journey of discovery.

I asked my gastroenterologist to give me some time before I decided to have the colon removal operation. I knew that I had to try one more thing. I had literally tried all else to find a cure. I wanted to take my yoga deeper, understand the mindset. Delve deep into my soul and consciousness. Really deal with my life issues, feelings, emotions. I was noticing triggers when stressed, thinking of certain situations in my life and not knowing how to handle them constructively.

I flew to Sri Lanka and immersed myself in Ayurvedic medicine for a month. I did go through a huge mental process there and I did cry a lot, journal and release a lot of pain. I decided to make changes in my life. I changed my mobile no. and erased people from my life, I needed to cut off from the world for a bit, to focus on me. I only had minimum energy to heal and focus on my life. I noticed I had suppressed a lot of my true feelings in life for years.

I am not on any medication. I eat small and often. The main factor is I now live a life stress free. I realised that stress was one of many factors for my flare ups.I would feel a sudden panic in certain situations and my stomach would literally churn. This pressure that many feel in society causes illness. I think for years I suppressed so much as well as feeling just too much anxiety and stress in my life; eventually it had to explode and it did in the form of inflamation.

The body can only take so much and eventually it will turn into some form of illness or disease sadly. I think i have been stuck in 'Flight or fight mode' for years. That then seems to trigger me to want the toilet so much as well.

I really needed to just stop, take time out and re-evaluate my whole being. I realised I had been on a hamster wheel. I guess manic in some ways with always being busy, never relaxing.I found all the changes I have made, hard to do, it hasn’t been easy. It has taken time. I noticed that I needed confidence to make those changes. Once I found that strength in me, I was able to cope better in various situations. That's where my yoga Jnani aspect helped hugely. It’s important to know I had five deaths in my immediate family just before my diagnosis. The situation was obviously mentally exhausting, deeply upsetting and stressful for me. I am sure two of these deaths were as it were the icing on the cake to my first trigger. My mind and body just completely collapsed with the situation. [Mother, Husband, Brother.. were three]

I relax more. I know the breath is hugely important to calm the mind, so there are various techniques you can use to relax.I get massages to help relax. I am gentle in my approach with situations and if I ever feel slight anxiety, I take a step back, do a breathing exercise or meditate for a few minutes. I stop, allow my heart to slow, as usually I can feel it start to beat faster. Then I carry on or sometimes decide not to and leave the situation for another day.There are some situations that naturally bring stress for me. Probably not to others. I have now learnt of a process to manage those as they arise. How I cope, is I look at the bigger picture of life. I break down the issue into bite size pieces and don’t feel a rush to deal with the situation straight away. I will talk to a family member or friend to help ease the worry. I accept life has its ups and downs and it’s ok to feel anxious in some cases. I just don’t let situations control me, I see it from a different perspective. No emotional attachment is key. Viewing the soul outside the body looking down on the body also helps.

My advice to others is, be aware of your mind, your thoughts and the feelings that attach to those thoughts. Yoga is the best ‘Tool’ I found for myself to heal. People feel anxious and stressed for different reasons. I know what has made me feel that way in the past and now feel only a small amount of that worry and manage it so much better.

I also decided to go to a private nutritionist and test my gut health on a deeper level. My results showed that I do actually have a imbalance in probiotic/prebiotic and yeast as my gut lining was damaged. I had wondered if this had occured because of the colonic irrigation I had had a few months before I fell ill. Although they give you probiotics/prebiotics after the treatment, sometimes you need a longer dosage and I had only had two weeks supply. It seemed at last I had an answer. My gut needed balancing back.

On one occasion I needed to go on steriods for a month and I tried mesalazime which is used for colitis. Mesalazime is a amino acid to help reduce inflamation. My nutritionist had suggested l-glutamine, which is also an amino acid. The process to healing is slow, but by going slowly and carefully you need to find what works for you, as I have realised colitis and Crohn's sufferers are all very different in their needs and healing methods. It took 4 months to recover with the help of the steriods for a month, then a gradual reduction of Mesalazine over three months and introducing the L-glutamine. I started to feel fine. I had a certain diet, relaxation and life management aspects in place. Sadly the Mesalazine started to have bad side effects, huge continuous bowel movements along with other awful effects. I had to stop taking it. I then tried a Ayurvedic medicine called Grocare@, they are an Indian company that have a specialised Colitis kit. I speak of this as I want to share my journey to help others, connect with other sufferers and relate. We are all very different though and one mans poison, is another man's cure, I have realised. If this Ayurveda doesn't work, then sadly I may have my colon removed.

After three weeks of trying this product I was seriously ill. Vomiting, sweating, nausia, stomach cramps. I felt poisoned. I stopped taking it, contacted the company and was reimbursed.

Something was still bugging me about all this. I decided to look back at all the changes I had made 5yrs ago, before I fell ill. I had got heavily into health with my yoga and want for a better life. In the past I used to eat what I wanted, for years, never thought of what I should have for health, nor did I follow what society wanted me to eat. I realised I had always been a Jnani yogi, someone who looked within for her guidance. I didn't listen to the hum drum of the world dictating my life.I used to eat meat, didn't like dairy, hated tomatoes. I noticed I had been craving meat again. Yet my yogic lifestyle was all about vegan/vegetarian/pescitarian, eat dairy and tomatoes. Something was telling me to listen to my body....it wanted meat. So I decided to do exactly that, eat when I wanted, and what I wanted. Since doing so my colon suddenly worked perfectly. I just spent 5 yrs in agony, lost work, spent a fortune, little sleep,mild depression and upset all because I thought I needed to follow the world with their view on health.

So......my advice to you. Tune into your soul, listen to it and follow it exactly. Your body will guide you. However, if you are dependant on processed foods, alcohol, sugar etc because of mental health issues, like depression and a need to be loved,wanted as many of us are, you need to not listen to those cravings. Development and your health is a huge process and does has a system to follow. Sort the mind out, re-align the body and eat healthy.

Then I fell ill again, after a month.

I had been told about kinesiology a few times over the 5 years but not tried it. I thought it was just another fad on the market. I decided to try it as I was now really desperate and so ill again. I had been in flare for 4 months and seriously ill. I should have really been in hospital. I found a practitioner locally and went to see him. He said I was severely gluten and dairy intolerant and should immediately erase these products from my diet. He gave me supplements to take and we started the process. Within 3 days of changing my diet, I stopped bleeding. My pain disappeared and I felt such a release. I had 4 sessions with him and we did emotional release as well. However, the gluten and dairy intolerance is what stopped my inflamation. Along with less refined sugar and use of only olive oil, coconut oil and avodaco oil for cooking. I was well for over 2 months and my colon went back to normal. I was annoyed that it had now been 6 years of horrific pain and disruption to my career and life.

I started to think I was misdiagnosed, I might be an ulcerative colitis sufferer but I also became coeliac and dairy intolerant, mid life. In hindsight I think beacuse my body went through such deep changes and I basically cleaned it out along with a mindset change, my gut now wanted the foods and drinks only right for deep health. Cows milk is for calf's, not humans, gluten is very bad for the body, seed oils are bad for the body and sugar. I hugely recommend anyone whom suffers with Chrohn's, ulcerative colitis or IBS please erase gluten and dairy first to see if there is a difference in the colon. A journey I wish to never have to go through again in life. I also went through menapause at that exact period of time without realising. I believe that hormone change also had a huge effect on my body.

The medical profession say they do not know why people suffer with colits, Ibs and chrohns. I think maybe midlife crisis and people making huge changes to their health and diet plays a big part in all this and for women definately the menapause . Crohn's and Ulcerative colitis is a relatively new disease/ illness in society. Seen in the last 50 years.

I believe the cause is because of many aspects, polluted foods, new intolerances, allergies,poor diet, menapause, stress, life issues arising, maybe hereditary. Even the health industry and the fads on social media recommending odd cures for everything nowadays, which can be hugely dangerous. I suggest listen to your gut...literally. Listen to your soul...eat small and only when hungry, organic, fresh and homemade only, so no chance of pollution in restaurants or contamination. Do yoga , meditation and relax. We are all different and need different things, remember that too.

For two years I was coping but still not quite right, not fully settled or comfortable in my body. I was struggling teaching my yoga , thin and with low energy along with a fear of toilet stops controlling my life way too much. However I was better than I had been. I did more research and saw how collogen type 1 and 111 can help with skin, hair, bones and type 11 for gut health. Bone broth was another avenue to try a possible idea that seemed to make sense. So I started investigating products. 'Hunter and Gather' was a company I had used before and liked. They have collogen powder [I mix this into my morning oats] it has no additives and is well sourced. 'Vital proteins' also have a collogen product. 'Borough bone broth' is very good and fresh, type 11. I have a cup of this to break my 19hr fast. So I started my collogen journey along with fasting daily from about 4pm until the next morning. 16-19hrs only so my colon could actually rest, go into autophagy mode where it heals on a cellular level. Within days my body ajusted and within 3 weeks I was back to normal in mind, body and gut. It is recommended to do 8 weeks of this type of gut healing. I did.... and after nearly 10 years of trying desperately to find my cure, I did get there.

I had damaged my gut hugely with the 'colonic irrigaton', stripping it of everything. '10' sessions at the Sanctuary...not recommended. I have heard of others suffering after colonics and around that time they were popular along with the juicing. The body can and will naturally cleanse itself without you interfering. So let it.

As my gut was severly damaged with the colonics this then caused a knock on effect with the mind and the rest of my body becoming inbalanced, weak bones, nails splitting, hair breakages, itchy skin, etc

I never had 'ulcerative colitis'...my colon was nearly removed and a stoma bag attached. Had I not refused I would be in a very different place and know no differently.

With utter faith in the Divine, my Buddhism, tuning into my soul, body and wisdom.....I turned a nightmare into deep healing knowledge and wisdom for myself and guidance and suggestions for others.

I decided to call my yoga 'Jnaniyoga'- because 'Jnana' means wisdom and knowledge. Jnani means self realised.

Jnana yoga is the hardest path of yoga, as you only look within for your guidance, not externally. So you may take a few wrong turns, fall down some potholes! but ultimately you eventually know the truth and see it on the path. I feel it so important for people to look within for their guidance, as it's your path, your soul and your journey. All external knowledge is someone else's path, written down for mankind, their idea... once you find 'your' path you will hopefully meet or see others on that same path, connecting with it in the way you do. Some scriptures, sacred texts will resonate deeply with you, making sense, talking of your opinion too, which is such a beautiful and powerful feeling. I gives such peace.

I wish you well...on every level and hope you find your path to health, peace and love.

I think it very important you know, that this blog was asked for by the charity-

'Crohn's & Colitis uk'

I wrote it for them as a member,because they had shown interest in my recovery, they decided not to publish it on their site. Their reason being, they couldn't promote certain aspects of it. They say they support medication and surgery to their readers. Not a cure.

I will leave it up to you to decide on the right or wrong of that.

Pharmaceutical companies and surgery seeming priority over cure and prevention? I think it should be the other way around first and if that fails then do that option. We need all options and the charity should offer and talk of all but sadly they do not. More interested in profit.

The world we live in is one to be very cautious of...go gently with a lot of wisdom fellow yoginis and yogis .....

Yogini Ju